Sometimes its hard to see beyond all the fog.

I told myself this two years would be for me to sort my life out, unconfuse myself...but so far the fog seems to be the same, as think as ever.

Recently the window for local uni applications opened and closed without me doing anything about it. And I still have no idea what to do for the rest of my life.

And more recently people have been telling me what a foolish choice I'm making by choosing NTU electrical engineering, especially with my grades. The typical response would be:


You got XXXX for your A levels?! Why are you choosing NTU EEE? You deserve so much better, you can get into so many better courses? Why waste the opportunity?


This reminds me of the same comments that I heard exactly 3 years ago:

"You got XXXX for O levels?! Why you go XJC??? You deserve so much better! You can get into ZJC, why waste the opportunity?"

And I remember the feelings of regret and subsequent indifference that followed the two years following. Which makes me draw the conclusion, if I make the same mistake this time round, I will have to endure the same feelings for 4 years, double the time.

And then on further rumination I realised that I chose AJC for the same reasons that I chose NTU EEE....which is that almost my whole life, my decisions have been largely made by others for me, but that in the end I have always managed to deceive myself that the decision came from me, that it was all my idea.

But now, I realise when its time for me to make a decision for myself I am at a total loss. Maybe thats why I appear so indecisive at times. Because I don't really know what I want.

So in my quest for answers to my mess, here is the first: I don't know what I want

I'm tired of searching. Sometimes I want to just go out and let myself loose....try ne things, explore possibilities...I don't want to wait for an answer anymore. I just want those desires to be fulfilled now. Because these days I feel that I'm just using up oxygen. I can't seem to find meaning in anything I do anymore.

Maybe thats why clubbing suddenly seems so appealing.

But I know that following the road to my paradise will just leave more heartache and pain....I've been down it before. So I'm trying to find the other road but I can't seem to find it either. All is foggy grey.

So now I'm playing chess with the Almighty...refusing to fight a losing battle so I'm trying to force a quick checkmate, but the other Player just seems to keep perpetual check me. Stalemate.

I don't want to play chess anymore. I want to move on

But I can't. Two feelings seem to reign my waking moments now...loneliness and boredom.

I can't stand it anymore.

Save me



please