enchanted ;

Monday, November 30, 2009

Recently, the draining feeling's come back

I suppose it was to be expected, coz Christmas is the time to get really really stressed...at least for me.

Christmas PArties, Youth Camp, Christmas Choir, fellowships, and to top it all off, having to come with unit life in a new army posting. Doesn't help much that the J2s are still finishing A's and the younger ones need guidance. not that i'm blaming anyone.

But its taxing, and sometimes though you know its not true, you feel like terribly alone and burdened.

And recently my output has been mega-outstripping my input. So i need to pay attention to my source of strength. I need to learn how to be a Mary once again. I've played Martha for too long.

But I know this one thing....for the rest of my time here I remain committed, and to my last breath I will fight on. Even if it doesn't seem to make a difference.

I was not commanded to be successful, just faithful.

And so I will carry on. And work to inspire, to unite, to challenge, to rekindle, to love, to care, to learn, to be teachable,to be Mary and sit at the feet of the Master.

At the end I want to hear "well done, good and faithful servant" from the only One whose praise matters to me.

I will go on.

9:45 PM

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Its times like this, when you're down and out, when you start to secondguess your decisions, temptation comes knocking, her alluring voice enticing you to sweet surrender, to forbidden fruit. And the more you try not to listen, the more intoxicating her voice becomes.

They say army's a place where she can be easily found. In a sense yes, in a sense no.

Sometimes you wonder, aren't you giving too much of yourself already, haven't you done enough yet? Why do you feel that you need to sacrifice your time, your rest, your energy, your friendships....to pursue growth in a people, in a ministry where you have committed yourself in but not many others have?

You choose BS over class gatherings, service over a chance to enjoy the weekend. You choose to keep going when everything around you tells you it is foolishness to carry on. You look for encouragement, the LORD retains His silence.

And there are so many things you seem to be missing out on. The good things, the good life...time with friends doing normal stuff...

And the questionable things, like smoking, like swearing and pretending it doesn't really matter, like (God forbid) indulging in some things you shouldn't be seeing.

People tell you, everyone's doing it. Don't act so innocent all the time. One puff wouldn't hurt. One look wouldn't hurt. Come on. Just once.

Just once is as good as forever. Temptation's allure is strong.

You turn, turn, turn away, try to focus instead on the Author of your faith, and when it doesn't seem easy to find Him, you wonder, has the Author gotten writer's block? Leaving a half finished book...

And then frustration comes in. You ask: Why aren't there more workers in the field? If there were more people to help out in the ministry, we would all be suffering less and achieving more. You would have time to spend with your friends, your family, enjoy being with them. And also make a positive impact for the Lord on them. But no, you're stuck in suspended animation.

You start to question God's calling. Maybe you just imagined it. Maybe your ambitions were too high. Maybe you should just be a normal Christian, go to church, keep a low profile, maybe that way people won't brand you as a Christ fanatic.

You complain, complain, emo, emo. You don't lose hope yet, but you wonder what you've been doing wrong.

Then, the small voice of the Savior says: If anyone comes to me and does not his father, mother, wife, children, brother, sister and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.

And you complain to God what an impossibly unfair high price it is. But then you remember, and you see...and you are silenced.

You see the nails that held Him there.

Because you are reminded, because there is no arguement, no injustice, yet no greater love and sacrifice than this.

And you remember with what price you were ransomed for. And with what love the pain and scorn endured, the gruesome weight of mankind's sin, even the rejection of the Father which must have hurt worse than hell.

And it keeps you going.

For now. Just for now.

4:32 PM

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Last Saturday's worship team hosted a most upbeat and refreshing song...titled All Things New by True Worshippers. It was just so full of exuberance and joyful rejoicing that I had to find out more.

I was in for a little surprise.

Contrary to what I had expected, "True worshippers" turned out to be a band not from the States, or from Europe, where Christianity is by tradition one of the major religions, but surprise, they were from Indonesia

Surprising because you wouldnt expect Indonesia, where the vast majority is muslim, and where racial unrest is all too common, to have a rich enough Christian culture to produce....well

But here they are, testament to the Holy Spirit's mighty moving in the nations of the world. Enjoy, give thanks, and rejoice:)

9:28 PM

Friday, September 25, 2009

I'm having one of those inexplicable moodswings again

Inexplicable because I can't rationalise it, can categorize it, and anyhow, its not really my feelings involved, but rather i sense that it is my spirit. So its not a moodswing, its a spiritswing.

Certain things trigger it and its usually the same ones...so its more of my spirit is troubled rather than my heart

The reason? I don't know either. I suspect the reason can be found if I take time to enter what SPDS likes to call the "abyss of our being", the inward man, or the spiritual man...and there the answer can be found at the throne of God who indwells in our spirit.

But then again, I don't want to enter this abyss...this inner silence, inner darkness....partially because i'm lazy, and partially because I kind of dread finding out and hearing the answer.

Complicated.

I do know this much though...as much as the church is now at the turning point of change, my personal life too is also poised for change. Something big is going to happen, but right now, it seems both God and me seems to be waiting for each other to make the first move.

Praise God for this week though...looks like the anointing worked....so I will keep believing, praying, and labouring.

Let there be fruits Lord, and let them remain.
It's all I ask.
As for the other thing You seem to keep nagging me about...shall I make the first move, or wait for You first?

11:41 PM

Monday, September 21, 2009

Time is a dragonfly
Sometimes it flies
on iridescently blurred wings
Sometimes it crawls
Metallic legs creak

Time is a shadow
Ever growing
Longer, shorter,
The same each morning

Time is a gift
To treasure and keep
But also
To part with and give away

Time is an exam
endless rustling of pages
pens scratching on paper
a thousand focussed souls
red digits flashing
tick tock tick tock

Time is God's test
The topics are patience
trust, wisdom
The invigilators are
boredom, suffering, dryness
The passing mark is contentment
The reward is eternal

Time
Is created duration
Eternity
is uncreated dimension
Which will you live for?

A friend on facebook once made a comment: everywhere i look, i get the feeling that the world is advancing while we are stuck in stasis

I couldn't agree more

Recently, it feels as if my life has simply stopped while the rest of the world continues at its hectic pace. Friends are already in university, having new experiences, new lessons, new lives. Some are going overseas to study. Everyone seems to be advancing on with live while we are spending 2 years in semi isolation and statis

A few events this week made me realise how bad it had gotten

1) My cousin just celebrated his daughter's 1 month, and I had totally no idea that he and his wife were even expecting a kid

2) One of my close friends is leaving in a week and I realised I didn't spend as much time with her as I'd hoped.

3) I still don't know what to do with my life, even after these few months of praying

4) Events in church happen so fast I'm usually unaware of them until after they happen

My only hope is for my remaining 17 months that my life will progress and not remain in statis. Only this time I have to actively pursue purpose in not letting the ime just slip by.

So God help me.

2:02 PM

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Just felt like sharing this cool song Yiggie intro-ed to me....its super funny and catchy, lighthearted and yet at the same time with a simple wonderful message of who God is.

If Much truth is said in jest, then more truth is sung in comedy:)

1:03 AM

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Just came back from camp for a while to rest before booking in again.

I originally wanted to blog about matthew's farewell, but i'll think i'll leave that to the weekend

I just want to share a song that was performed for matt at the farewell...I guess they chose it because it reflected his life's desire, but strangely I feel that this song has also spoken to me....and made me realise a bit more about my heart's desire.

Here it is

8:08 PM