I need to find a job. Fast
These days all i'm doing at home is spending copious amounts of time on facebook, as well as doing some packing and preparation of the house for CNY. I'm slowly rotting as the days pass by.
Still, i'm kinda reluctant to find a job so far, because after the stressful last months of 2008....I don't feel that eager to jump back into busyness as of yet. After studying so hard that I fell sick during the A levels, I thought once the exams were over I would have time to catch a breather. Instead I was immediately plunged into the preparations for christmas party and Christmas chior and guitar performances in church, not to mention fellowship planning and chariskidz duties on Sundays. So now after christmas is my opportunity to slack...when most of my riends are already working.
Initialy throughout the whole of last year I had envisioned grand plans for myself once I finished the dastardly A levels. Some of them where:
1) Learn how to play Guzheng
2) Learn how to play bagpipes
3) Take up a course in rockclimbing to further my interest
4) Go kayaking with some good friends
5) Visit Marina Barrage and Henderson Bridge Walk to check out the scenery
6) Go hiking again in the BTNR and MacRitche area
7) Pack my room and paint my blinds
8) Play a few Mahjong rounds
9) Start training regimen for NS
10) Work on a few personal art projects
11) Read some new novels
12) Facebook (which I've done a lot of)
13) Decide roughly what course in UNI to take up
But after the exams were over I realized that the last year has taken much more out of me than i expected. Its as if I was a lemon squeezed until all the juice was gone and now all that remains is a near empty husk. Its probably a poor metaphor for the kind of life I'm experiencing now, But you get the picture.
Somehow even though I have many things i want to try out, i seem to have lost the determination and energy to do them. Now everyday i just sleep, eat, and surf like there's no tomorrow. A very strange way of living for someone of my personality. And the rest of the time, i spend in thinking, mainly about the past.
Thinking about how the last two years have been so incredibly anxiety and misery-ridden, how almost all my ambitions when I entered JC have been unfulfilled, thinking about what i could have done different, how i could have reacted to circmstances differently. Thinking about how hard I tried (and failed) for my personal evangelism, what i could have done better. Thinking about how incredibly confusing everything was. thinking about how i could have done better for Chemistry paper 3 for a levels if I had takien better care of my health.
Thinking about how the previous two classes of P6es graduating from chariskidz have been
grounded in youth...and wondering if i will do a better job with the P6es this year.
Thinking about past failures, percieved failures, actual failures, past successes, percieved successes, actual successes.
Think think think
One of the reasons why I refuse to find a job so soon may be because I want to live a life where i can be in total control of, even though it will only be temporary and shallow. Now i don't have to worry about homework, or school work, or meeting deadlines other ppl set, or waking up on time, or making decisions which tear me apart, or runing around following other people like a headless chicken.
A life which i can direct at will and control.
Of course this is just pure deception, because nobody can really say they are in entire control of their life. If they could do that, they would be like God. And the desire to control our own life has a potential to lead to a more sinister desire to control everything, which then can lead us down the slippery slope of trying to be like God. Which was part of the reason why Lucifer fell.
So that about sums up my life right now: slacking, musing and deluding myself.
These days all i'm doing at home is spending copious amounts of time on facebook, as well as doing some packing and preparation of the house for CNY. I'm slowly rotting as the days pass by.
Still, i'm kinda reluctant to find a job so far, because after the stressful last months of 2008....I don't feel that eager to jump back into busyness as of yet. After studying so hard that I fell sick during the A levels, I thought once the exams were over I would have time to catch a breather. Instead I was immediately plunged into the preparations for christmas party and Christmas chior and guitar performances in church, not to mention fellowship planning and chariskidz duties on Sundays. So now after christmas is my opportunity to slack...when most of my riends are already working.
Initialy throughout the whole of last year I had envisioned grand plans for myself once I finished the dastardly A levels. Some of them where:
1) Learn how to play Guzheng
2) Learn how to play bagpipes
3) Take up a course in rockclimbing to further my interest
4) Go kayaking with some good friends
5) Visit Marina Barrage and Henderson Bridge Walk to check out the scenery
6) Go hiking again in the BTNR and MacRitche area
7) Pack my room and paint my blinds
8) Play a few Mahjong rounds
9) Start training regimen for NS
10) Work on a few personal art projects
11) Read some new novels
12) Facebook (which I've done a lot of)
13) Decide roughly what course in UNI to take up
But after the exams were over I realized that the last year has taken much more out of me than i expected. Its as if I was a lemon squeezed until all the juice was gone and now all that remains is a near empty husk. Its probably a poor metaphor for the kind of life I'm experiencing now, But you get the picture.
Somehow even though I have many things i want to try out, i seem to have lost the determination and energy to do them. Now everyday i just sleep, eat, and surf like there's no tomorrow. A very strange way of living for someone of my personality. And the rest of the time, i spend in thinking, mainly about the past.
Thinking about how the last two years have been so incredibly anxiety and misery-ridden, how almost all my ambitions when I entered JC have been unfulfilled, thinking about what i could have done different, how i could have reacted to circmstances differently. Thinking about how hard I tried (and failed) for my personal evangelism, what i could have done better. Thinking about how incredibly confusing everything was. thinking about how i could have done better for Chemistry paper 3 for a levels if I had takien better care of my health.
Thinking about how the previous two classes of P6es graduating from chariskidz have been
grounded in youth...and wondering if i will do a better job with the P6es this year.
Thinking about past failures, percieved failures, actual failures, past successes, percieved successes, actual successes.
Think think think
One of the reasons why I refuse to find a job so soon may be because I want to live a life where i can be in total control of, even though it will only be temporary and shallow. Now i don't have to worry about homework, or school work, or meeting deadlines other ppl set, or waking up on time, or making decisions which tear me apart, or runing around following other people like a headless chicken.
A life which i can direct at will and control.
Of course this is just pure deception, because nobody can really say they are in entire control of their life. If they could do that, they would be like God. And the desire to control our own life has a potential to lead to a more sinister desire to control everything, which then can lead us down the slippery slope of trying to be like God. Which was part of the reason why Lucifer fell.
So that about sums up my life right now: slacking, musing and deluding myself.
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